Ideas for · 2 min read · updated

Retirement gift ideas that aren't a gold watch

Bands get a farewell tour when they quit. So should the person who ran the budget meeting for 22 years.

The short answer

Give them a funny send-off made from their actual career: their final year printed as a farewell tour on the back of a band tee, a sash of merit badges the team writes for them, or an embroidered hat for a fake club about their retirement plan.

The picks

  1. A faded black tee printed with a flaming skeleton doing taxes and The Tax Season Tour, made with The Tour of Your Life
    Things to wear

    The Tour of Your Life

    Their last year at work as a farewell tour on the back of a band tee, with dates from real moments and a deadpan footnote.

    Makes: T-shirt

  2. A sticker sheet of six round merit badges under a Merit Badges of Adulthood banner, made with Merit Badges
    Stickers & patches

    Merit Badges

    A sash of merit badges written by the team, like Hold Music Veteran or Inbox Archaeologist. The top one becomes a real embroidered patch.

    Makes: Sticker sheet, holo sticker or patch

  3. A stone dad hat embroidered with Reply All Yacht Club, Est. 2019 and a shield, made with The Club
    Hats

    The Club

    An embroidered hat for a fake club about the retirement plan, founded the year they retired.

    Makes: Embroidered hat, beanie or patch

  4. A pillow cut along the Teton ridge seen from Jackson Hole, with the peaks named, made with The Skyline
    Pillows

    The Skyline

    If they're retiring somewhere with mountains, the ridgeline from the new porch as a pillow, peaks labelled.

    Makes: Shaped pillow

  5. A framed poster of a bonfire on Alki Beach, Seattle under the moon, with that night's weather, made with The Sky That Night
    Walls & mugs

    The Sky That Night

    The weather and moon over the office on their last night of work, painted. The station records take about two months to come in, so give it at the first-season catch-up.

    Makes: Poster

Collect the material from the team

A week before the party, send one question around: what's the moment from this person's last year you'll remember? You'll get the final budget meeting, the handover document nobody read, the cake. That list becomes the tour dates or the merit badges.

The farewell tour

On The Tour of Your Life, give the tour a name like THE FINAL SHIFT TOUR, then list up to eight of those moments as dates and venues: MAR 3 · ROOM B · LAST BUDGET MEETING. The back of the tee prints the list under the year; the front gets one piece of art in a metal, psychedelic or tattoo-flash style.

The tour can be any year from 1950 on. For a long career, pick the year they started and fill it with what the team remembers from back then.

For what comes next

If the plan is golf before noon or finally fixing the boat, type it into The Club. It founds three fake clubs for that plan, each with a faux-Latin motto and an emblem, and you put the winner on a dad hat or beanie with the retirement year as its founding date.

Questions people ask

What's a funny retirement gift that isn't mean?

Aim the joke at the job instead of their age. A farewell tour tee of the last year at work, or merit badges for surviving it, puts the office on the receiving end.

Can a group of coworkers chip in on one gift?

Yes. Collect the tour dates or the badge wins from everyone and put them on one tee or one sash.

Can the tour cover a whole career?

The shirt prints one year, but the dates are yours to write. Pick the year they started or the year they leave and list the moments people remember.